Sunday, March 25, 2007
new cologne: e du unleaded 87 Category: Automotive
so yesterday i was on my way to my buddy laura's house to pick her up for a mom's moment out sans children.
i noticed that i needed gas in the suv to get to her house so like any responsible car owner, i attempted to fill er up.
i use the word "attempted" to illustrate the fact that the following story leads up to a "ill-attempt" to function as a normal 31 year old adult who has in fact, been pumping gasoline for, well 15 years or so.
there i was, put my card in, put the nozzle in and did what many of us refer to as "flippin up the lazy switch". I put the lock on the nozzle so i could clean out the front seat of the car for my friend laura to actually have a place to set her tuckas. (if you know me, you know my car is a gigantic abyss of kid crap, cd's, magazines, clothes and the occasional rotting food) So this step was muy importante for the continuation of my friendship with laura.
i am a multitasker. i can clean out my car AND pump gas, AND apply lipstick, AND catch a quick glimpse of a cute piece of art at the next pump.
then i heard it
a sound that will forever be branded in my memory:
whoooosh, sppppppppeeeeeee, whooosh, ppppbbbbllllssstt
i come around my vehicle to see a stream of gasoline spewing out like a geyser all over the side , up the window, down around the wheel well. In a knee jerk reaction i yell at previously stated cute gentleman, "what happened, did you hear the click? where was the click? there is ALWAYS A CLICK" (imagine hands waving, spinning motion and i think i had a little jump in there)
I frantically unsqueeze the trigger of exploding liquid poison and put it back in its proper home.
the man said nothing at first then a very tiny scared, "uh, yeah no click this time" .....jack--- where were you when i needed justification or absolution? Men!!! Huh!
the attendent, whose nationality and linguistics i found both ironic and comforting at the same time, brought me some major honkin big handiwipes....apparently for just said occasion......but it was all over my car. i was a driving molotov cocktail for god's sake one lazy ass guy with a full ashtray and a cig but flick later and i'd be a suicide bomber with no martyerdom.
i glanced up at the pump. HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!! $48 !! i spewed out $14 WORTH OF GASOLINE!WASTED! crap!
the attendent senses my grief at spending more than i got and my driving dilema and gives me a free carwash voucher.
normally a free carwash makes me happy......three reasons it did not:
1-it was raining at that particular moment. what dumbass parades through a carwash on a rainy day
2-technically the rainy day carwash wasn't at all free! it was $14 and a pocketfull of pride
3-it made me late, i hate being late
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
TICKLE ME ELMO IN nyc
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
tickle me elmo precursor wardrobe malfunction Current mood: crazy Category: Parties and Nightlife
so most of you know i just got back from New York City for an anual teachers convention. Montessori 100 years in fact.
so, there i was leaving the conference saturday night to meet a buddy i hadn't seen in a year and her awesome 16 year old daughter (shout out to mags) anyway if you know me, you know that i have in fact gained too much weight for my frame and went on South Beach before i became as wide as my height.
i have lost 14ish lbs. i am a size smaller in the gut and some has come off my face but luckily for now, it is still residing in the chestal area. sooooo, long story even longer, i went to the bell man and asked him where Toys R' Us times square was and he gave me the directions.....but not first without telling me "YOU ARE THE MOST GEORGOUS CREATURE I HAVE SEEN TODAY. " well then.
what were the commandments again? something about vanity? oh, my bad.
so there i was thinking i was obviously hot in my low cut shirt, cleave, velvet jacket, high heeled boots and cute jeans......just walkin. Mary Tyler Moore style, like i am "on top of the world" and enjoying all NYC has to offer my walk down 8th i believe it was. I pass the huge times square signs and become entranced. Just then a cute guy comes out of the crowd in front of me and touches my arm, "hey" in that come hither way. I take the bait. cuz, i am hot, and should be admired (to my head, i now realize, this moment of minute hotness) "do you like comedy? " says he
Me? who does this idjit think i am? don't i have SNL cast member written all over my face? Of course i do......say's i.
he then proceeds to offer me tickects at a "freakin great price" for his friends show at the laugh factory.
i say no. i am not here to be conned. i am here to get to toys r us and see some friends. in that order. walk down street, cross left, stand in front of toys r us and wait. no variance. nope
(loaf of bread, gallon of milk, stick of butter) if you get that old school sesame street reference you win.
anyway, as i am trying to escape i turn backing away and get my shiney new boot heel caught in a subway grate, my heavy conference bag hoisted over my shoulder catches on my jacket and my low cut shirt, stretching it over my lacy blue bra and half the boobage bursts out, i fall backwards trying to be graceful narrowly missing a falafel cart and all its very hot contents..........i land squarly on my arse. three seemingly puerto rican fellas try to catch me to no avail and the ticket scalping dude reaches his hand out in vain to seem helpfull.......puerto rican fellas think comedian has pushed me and get in his face.....almost fight ensues and i am embarrased as hell. not that i have a gigantic bruise on my ass but that my bra wasn't even a sexy/cute one. Damn my timing! Upon getting dressed i didn't know i was gonna janet jackson it for the world to see. F^$%!
please, I ask all my friends to send me the link as soon as your buddy from the next cubical texts you with a message that says,
"dude, check out this dorky chicks boob my friend sent from his phone in times square this weekend, he was minding his own business buying meat on a stick when she took a dive!"
seriously. I should see MY boob on utube.com before anyone else.
its only fair
the pic of me and elmo is a tripple shot of starbucks later.....he in fact seems to like the boring blue bra.
tickle me elmo precursor wardrobe malfunction Current mood: crazy Category: Parties and Nightlife
so most of you know i just got back from New York City for an anual teachers convention. Montessori 100 years in fact.
so, there i was leaving the conference saturday night to meet a buddy i hadn't seen in a year and her awesome 16 year old daughter (shout out to mags) anyway if you know me, you know that i have in fact gained too much weight for my frame and went on South Beach before i became as wide as my height.
i have lost 14ish lbs. i am a size smaller in the gut and some has come off my face but luckily for now, it is still residing in the chestal area. sooooo, long story even longer, i went to the bell man and asked him where Toys R' Us times square was and he gave me the directions.....but not first without telling me "YOU ARE THE MOST GEORGOUS CREATURE I HAVE SEEN TODAY. " well then.
what were the commandments again? something about vanity? oh, my bad.
so there i was thinking i was obviously hot in my low cut shirt, cleave, velvet jacket, high heeled boots and cute jeans......just walkin. Mary Tyler Moore style, like i am "on top of the world" and enjoying all NYC has to offer my walk down 8th i believe it was. I pass the huge times square signs and become entranced. Just then a cute guy comes out of the crowd in front of me and touches my arm, "hey" in that come hither way. I take the bait. cuz, i am hot, and should be admired (to my head, i now realize, this moment of minute hotness) "do you like comedy? " says he
Me? who does this idjit think i am? don't i have SNL cast member written all over my face? Of course i do......say's i.
he then proceeds to offer me tickects at a "freakin great price" for his friends show at the laugh factory.
i say no. i am not here to be conned. i am here to get to toys r us and see some friends. in that order. walk down street, cross left, stand in front of toys r us and wait. no variance. nope
(loaf of bread, gallon of milk, stick of butter) if you get that old school sesame street reference you win.
anyway, as i am trying to escape i turn backing away and get my shiney new boot heel caught in a subway grate, my heavy conference bag hoisted over my shoulder catches on my jacket and my low cut shirt, stretching it over my lacy blue bra and half the boobage bursts out, i fall backwards trying to be graceful narrowly missing a falafel cart and all its very hot contents..........i land squarly on my arse. three seemingly puerto rican fellas try to catch me to no avail and the ticket scalping dude reaches his hand out in vain to seem helpfull.......puerto rican fellas think comedian has pushed me and get in his face.....almost fight ensues and i am embarrased as hell. not that i have a gigantic bruise on my ass but that my bra wasn't even a sexy/cute one. Damn my timing! Upon getting dressed i didn't know i was gonna janet jackson it for the world to see. F^$%!
please, I ask all my friends to send me the link as soon as your buddy from the next cubical texts you with a message that says,
"dude, check out this dorky chicks boob my friend sent from his phone in times square this weekend, he was minding his own business buying meat on a stick when she took a dive!"
seriously. I should see MY boob on utube.com before anyone else.
its only fair
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