heather's law of numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
the law of numbers Current mood: amused Category: Sports
So just today I was having an adult conversation with a close friend. I must say, I do love having open and honest people around me to fuel my various rants and un-rhetorical questions. Throughout the years I have had this particular discussion in many living rooms, coffee shops and dorm rooms across the country and the same things happen over and over. So not unlike a scientist or a Gallup poll --I will attempt to organize my opinion/theory on the law of numbers.

By numbers I mean the amount sexual of partners a particular person has had. In this particular case, let's just say your female circle of friends has had and have discussed with you. I am a person who doesn't blush easily, even when I was living a holier-than-thou lifestyle, I was always open to discuss sex and all its various topics and subtopics. To file these friends properly, you will need only 4 categories.

Group A: These are the Sandra Dee's of your group. They are sweet but don't really have a ton to offer the steamy talk. They fell in love, got engaged, got married and had sex. In that exact order NO DEVIATION. They are the friends that once this topic comes to a head (pardon the pun) they leave the room to replenish the Margarita Mix or neatly cut the crusts off the cucumber sandwiches. They can't however deny the pull of the sex talk so they rush back in pretending to pick up crushed napkins and empty glasses, "oh did you need more lil smokies?" …………..No, it's not you, keep reading.
ps-this girl is a freaky freak in the bedroom, don't let the headband and keds fool you

Group B: These are the sexy ones of the group. Whether they know it or not, they have something that says "naughty" it could be her low cut shirt or that she is an uncontrollable flirt. She's womanly but not sluttish per se. She can sneak an innuendo in at the most interesting of times. She usually enjoys sex and isn't afraid to discuss it with her friends. This group is the only one I have subcategorized…….lets just say, for sake of memorization: B1 and B2. B1 only has to use one hand to do her count (usually b/c of a late start) and B2 can use all her phalanges and possibly a toe or three. She can list date, place and name (last name if he was hot as balls or met her mom) Of course there is usually a name or two she wishes she could erase….but otherwise she is comfortable with her conquests. She is either happy with her adventures or wishes she had one more inning in her game.

Group C: Well, well, well……this lil lady has been busy getting busy. She has no idea of her number let alone mere names. When adding her final numbers, she has to carry the one (a few times.) We are talking serious 4th grade math notebook here! I had a sister in law in this category once. ……interesting specimen. Take caution here ladies, if you don't know anyone in your group like this……chances are, YOU ARE HER. J It reminds me of a saying my mother is famous for using, "If she had as many pricks on the outside that she has had on the inside….she'd be a porcupine"…..quality momism.

Group D.: This is the liar in your group. "Sure," she says, "I have only had intercourse with two people. My high school sweetheart at prom and my now husband during college." Seems true. Nothing extravagant but easy enough to keep straight…….until………….she guzzles down ½ a bottle of Malibu and karaoke's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for the 3rd time during a girls night out. She's the one that attempts to CIA her friends by suggesting the novelty, self depricating drinking game of "I NEVER" to bleed her buddies of their dirty little secrets. ………….oh, I NEVER…..remind me to tell you about the shitiest game of it I ever played in college. (Mel-remember that night at the Sigma Chi house with our dear friend who shall remain nameless Row Row Rowa Bear) ANYHOOOOOOO………………..she may think she has the upper hand. However it's you that can take control and get the needed info from the queen of slur. It comes out that, oops…..she happened to have an oral encounter with the entire soccer team the summer in between middle school and high school (but that doesn't count) or that 4 month time period in college when she went to raves every other night with her lesbian roommate (and by raves I mean no air conditioned girl sex on the top bunk, black light strobing, with Moby playing programmed to repeat on the cd player), (stil doesn't count that) or when her history professor encouraged entrance to the exit door (not even counting that) or when she and her boss at Bennigans used to play "How far can we get during our smoke break in the back of my IROC" (NOPE, you guessed it....she doesn't count that either)………seriously MORE THAN JUST 2 PEOPLE DUDE……….or is she being truthful on a technicality?

swimsuit season 07

Saturday, June 23, 2007

i know what hell is gonna be like.... Current mood: crappy
it's lionel richie on a fuzzy intercom speaker
it's toting 38 swimsuits i am attempting to fit into a tiny closet
it's flashbacking to a 20/20 espose i saw on hidden cameras in the ceiling of dressing rooms
it's trying to balance my shirt across my body while quickly pulling up the bottoms and spinning around in circles so i create a blur.......so that the sweaty nerd in the control room using said camera can't see it ALL
it's getting to number 24 of 38 and coming to the conclusion that i am fatter than was previously believed
it's hearing the 18 year old next to me start to cry to her mom because she is fat....a fat size 3! Yes DAMNIT i said 3! Oh, my god......is it against the law to strangle someone with a spaghetti strap from a bikini top?
It's choosing a top too small and a bottom too big thengoing back to the rack to find the same suit only with a top too big and a bottom too big
It's realizing that the only thing separating my boobs from touching my waist is....apparently nothing!
did i mention the f n lionel richie is blaring ......"still NOT dancin on the ceiling a hole"
it's dirty carpet. yuck....seriously the most discusting germ infested stuff with tags that someone yanked off of clothing they stole, blue industrial with stains...i was teetering between walking the highwire of one leg thru, now balance on top of shoe, now other leg thru, now put the shoes on turn around, take a look...................

and run screaming out of department store

that is what i invision hell being like. anyone with me on this?

final result is an old lady suit that covers all important areas tankini with a skirt. who new it would ever come to this? a skirt people! I have to have a damn swimsuit with a skirt!

hell is paying 50 bucks for this sadistic seasonal bullshit

SELL OUT SANDWICH

Sunday, June 03, 2007

"I'll take two self-pleasing burgers w/ an order of sell-out to go please"
Category: Food and Restaurants

so i knew the day would come when i would be watching t.v. and unexpectedly hear a song in the background I recognized.....i just didn't know it would be so 'soon'. Here is the meat and potatoes of my rant.....i remember sitting in the living room listening to my dad wax nostalgic about how much he thought that a certain 60's or 70's band "sold out" by having their "classic" music pushing laundry detergent or ragu spaghetti sauce. I would just nod along somehow missing the REAL heartbreak I would endure myself these 15 someodd years later.

At first it was cool to hear the Blondie song in the background for AT&T and i admit i loved the one superbowl ad a few years back with the guy in surgery "dun, dun, tainted love" by Soft Cell. Ha ha very amuzing. then it happened. The songs that define me as an 80's chick began popping up everywhere.

Example b:
CareerBuilder.com using Quiet Riot's "Feel the Noise"....seriously, what part of "girls rock your boys" sounds like a solid lead on gaining the upper hand of your profession.....unless of course porn is your profession. My bad, clearly i didn't think that one thru.

Carnival Cruises using Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun".....are you kidding with this shit? How many chicks our age are dying to go on a boat with other chicks our age to watch overactors use retarded Jazz Hands and sing off key? Don't get me started on the shuffleboard competition.....kickin some serious arse! Same brand different band....."Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop.....parents dole out the coke were goin rock climbin on a big ass ship.....when you get to the top tell me if you see Gopher.

Cingular Wireless using Talk Talk's "Talk Talk". uuuummmm thanks Captain Obvious. I really needed the extra push of a little 80's ditty to get me to figure out how the hell to use this new phangled technology......so you say i speak into the holes, do ya sonny?

I was minding my own business watching American Idol finale last week when one of my most favoritie songs of all time suddenly crept into my ear. what, what's this says i? how can it be? a lady and her kid growing older together walking to Yaz's "Only You".......This was always #2 on my love mix tapes (second only to DM's "somebody"....duh) to the cuties i wanted, who wanted me or I used to want. It was an honest standby. But JCPENNY"S. F you and Vince Clark and Allison Moyet....we have some serious talking to do here. what part of "looking from a window above" says capri pants and an empire waisted sparkly shirt? Huh? Tell me god damnit!

GMC : not sure what make of SUV it is pushing but I have a hard time buying a car with the diddy "I stop and Melt with you" by modern english. Really with this? Melt-Fire-Car....whose the ad-genious that thought this one up?

This one is a new song by an old fav of mine. THe song is like not even a nano second old and yet Better Than Ezra's "Juicy" is in the background of an Applebee's commercial. Are they joking with this? I didn't even get time to put it on my ipod before it started sellin' shit. THey are smiling tho....they got a big fat "juicy" paycheck.

Just witnessed this one tonight: women throwing out clothes because of bad fabric to Scandal's "Goodbye to You". Yup. Nothing says i am a strong woman like ditching polyester out a 3 story window only to replace with Cotton. "that's it, I'm not puttin up with unbreathable fabric a minute more, you can't push me around lycra, you leave one more bruise on me rayon and we are through". Gimme a break.

Clarinex: B-52's Roam. odd choice for nose spray. The flambouyant gay guy in the group obviously knows enough about puttin shit up a nose for god's sake. This one works. Cocaine in the years of decadence = "alergy" suffering in the new millinia......point well taken.

Currently the one that pisses me off the most right now............Wendy's. Fn red headed burger pusher! The Violent Femmes (seriously, the least of my sell out worries came to fruition) "Blister in the Sun". Okay so let me get this straight. Some staunch red-tie wearing ad exec comes up with the bright idea that a song about cronic masterbation would be the best song for selling beef? Beating off and beef.......coincidence? I think not.