dumpster diving

I love music. There should be a 12 step program for how much i love to discover and seek out new bands and oddities. I used to have to hoof it to a record store (yeah, i am that old) and dig thru the $.99 bin to find tapes of any consequence. I remember taking a bag of quarters up to Hastings in Albuquerque and having a feild day with their 2 for one deals. As if it were yesterday, I recall a particular day I found three special tapes at the bottom of the bin. The facination based purely on the cover art of course, there was no tape preview as there is today at places like the Barnes and Nobel or even that catchy new internet. You went on gut. You played a certain game of Cat and Mouse as it were. Well, this cat litterally piled up the tapes in the metal bin and dove into the bottom to capture three of my best loved tapes....the ones that led me to the ones that led me to the ones that shaped my world. Seven degrees of my musical prowess.

So during this time in my life ( i believe it to have been 91 cuz i wasn't driving yet) I was experiencing a musical renessaince. Pretty much ending my short lived facination with all things hairband and thank god NKOTB.... I loved what is now referred to as "old school hip hop" .....I was watching In Living Color and memorizing all the FLy Girls dance moves (thank you young J.Lo). I had all the important tracks from BelBivDevoe, Jodeci, NWA, Boys to Men, Crystal Waters, MCHammer, Rob Bass (fave by far).........and the like. I was preppy without being uptight - My uptight didn't come into play until late 93 with a church revival yada yada yada I digress. Anyway, I had always been , in my humble opinion, musically brave. I Liked top 40 and popular bands you could find on the radio but like a lyrical gatway drug, I dabbled in many unknown, often times odd sounds: Dead Millkmen, Linda Perry, Dead Kennedy's. Also sounds that i knew where great but no one my age at the time was particularly hip to (or was and didn't mention it to me): Bob Segar, Indigo Girls, CCR, the who, But I was hooked, always retreating back to synth-pop or new wave or the truly rich emotional pre goth sound in my self time. I wasn't afraid to share my love of it by any stretch....I was in Drama Club. I was a thespian, we were expected to like The Cure and Morrissey. :) But the Z-cavvarichi's and running man wasn't enough for my heroin like addiction for pulsating drum pads and lyrics spewing of emotional wrekage.

So like a secret tracking device was pulling me into the metal bin, my eyes caught sight of a tape.

Camoflauge: The Method of Silence. Little did i know, this all but out of touch with the current musical trend German band would hold a number one spot in my tape deck 3 minutes after i purchased it until it started to warp from being played so much. I had been tiring of my DM Violator tape (now that sounds so stupid, how could i have been so fickle?--well I knew every word and note) I had a mix tape made from the radio of all the 'pppp-Poison' I could handle. This tape slid in and oozed out my speakers like Kismet. We were meant to be. This album was made in 89 bigger in Europe (most great sounds are) and sounded a bit like a DepecheMode/Erasure rip off. But i loved it. It was a throwback to my youthier youth. The lyrics were deep (i was 14 remember) and they made me want to write poetry (which i did) Hell I was EMO before there was an EMO! You could hear their accent mangling the English but through it was a sound I identified with. One I first came into contact with in the mid 80's with bands like new order and joy division. This tape reminded me how much I loved new wave and it got my ears ready for the upcoming sounds of Cause n Effect and Big Audio Dynamite II and on and on…………

The next tape was Squeeze: Singles 45’s and under. I looked around the record store like a scared kid about to partake in a 5 finger discount…..Shirley finding this classic in the cheap bin was a mistake! I, of course had heard squeeze years prior, but I never HEARD Squeeze. This was a reunion of their early stuff. Amazing English bandmates Glenn Tillbrook and Chris Difford should be applauded for their talents. I am forever grateful to these blokes, they were the some of the for runners of Nerd songwriting and Nerd Performance that, I believe, paved the way for Weezer and Ben Folds Five and my Favorite: Jason Mraz. With catchy, thoughtful lyrics using witty wordplay -you, as an active listener, really feel these guys and can relate……as if you are sharing a pint together. I believe these intelligent fellas didn’t get enough accolades stateside.



Now, anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE Howard Jones. I love almost all things 80’s…but what you don’t know is although I obviously enjoyed his early hits brought across the radio to us by casey casem on Saturday mornings, I really started feeling the connection when I found the tape, Cross That Line that featured a snappy little radio hit, “everlasting love” I had been happy was part of the collection, but what I didn’t know was that the rest of the album was thought provoking and enchanting. It proved to me that classical music can be found as a background inspiration to the better type of synth pop. This tape was deep and engrossing, with melodic heartfelt accompaniments and lyrics set to haunting acoustics. Some songs are sad, a good sad, that you can relate to. I remember feeling like I couldn’t wait to REALLY fall in love and hoped that I felt being human as deeply as Howard Jones exemplified through his songs. I return to this album often when I am feeling sad and need a shoulder to cry on. Pulls at my heartstrings for sure, in a good way. It reminds me that everyone has ups and downs. Humanity is the great common denominator! :)

Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny

So, i want to reactivate my sarcastic funny bone and start blogging again. I slowed down because when i was on bed rest with my daughter we thought we were losing her everyday...and well, there is just nothing funny about that. Then came Facebook. The beauty (to me ) of FB is that I could get immediate gratification from posting a rant. I didn't have to type up a page and hope that someone would read it. I just let the "mouth diarrhea" come out and people either liked it or hated it (or worse; ignored it) So then i got down to the business of letting my blog go extinct along with the myspace page it started on. But, i go back and read those and giggle a little to myself. especially the time capsule like quality of being able to remember how i hated Sanjaya on American Idol or loathed the rich kids in my neighborhood at Halloween or to feel exactly what i was well, feeling at that moment. Not that anyone but me really cares, but it's something none-the-less.
So here i go. i make no promises. after all, there really aren't any cheesy awards shows coming up and none of us are at all shocked that J-Lo and Vampire-Mark-Anthony are splitting. Shoulda put $ down on that one eh?

ooh, i just noticed that the posting space now (4 years later) has spell check. this is good, but now it might make me look a bit more full of care. shit. there goes my cover.

heather's law of numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
the law of numbers Current mood: amused Category: Sports
So just today I was having an adult conversation with a close friend. I must say, I do love having open and honest people around me to fuel my various rants and un-rhetorical questions. Throughout the years I have had this particular discussion in many living rooms, coffee shops and dorm rooms across the country and the same things happen over and over. So not unlike a scientist or a Gallup poll --I will attempt to organize my opinion/theory on the law of numbers.

By numbers I mean the amount sexual of partners a particular person has had. In this particular case, let's just say your female circle of friends has had and have discussed with you. I am a person who doesn't blush easily, even when I was living a holier-than-thou lifestyle, I was always open to discuss sex and all its various topics and subtopics. To file these friends properly, you will need only 4 categories.

Group A: These are the Sandra Dee's of your group. They are sweet but don't really have a ton to offer the steamy talk. They fell in love, got engaged, got married and had sex. In that exact order NO DEVIATION. They are the friends that once this topic comes to a head (pardon the pun) they leave the room to replenish the Margarita Mix or neatly cut the crusts off the cucumber sandwiches. They can't however deny the pull of the sex talk so they rush back in pretending to pick up crushed napkins and empty glasses, "oh did you need more lil smokies?" …………..No, it's not you, keep reading.
ps-this girl is a freaky freak in the bedroom, don't let the headband and keds fool you

Group B: These are the sexy ones of the group. Whether they know it or not, they have something that says "naughty" it could be her low cut shirt or that she is an uncontrollable flirt. She's womanly but not sluttish per se. She can sneak an innuendo in at the most interesting of times. She usually enjoys sex and isn't afraid to discuss it with her friends. This group is the only one I have subcategorized…….lets just say, for sake of memorization: B1 and B2. B1 only has to use one hand to do her count (usually b/c of a late start) and B2 can use all her phalanges and possibly a toe or three. She can list date, place and name (last name if he was hot as balls or met her mom) Of course there is usually a name or two she wishes she could erase….but otherwise she is comfortable with her conquests. She is either happy with her adventures or wishes she had one more inning in her game.

Group C: Well, well, well……this lil lady has been busy getting busy. She has no idea of her number let alone mere names. When adding her final numbers, she has to carry the one (a few times.) We are talking serious 4th grade math notebook here! I had a sister in law in this category once. ……interesting specimen. Take caution here ladies, if you don't know anyone in your group like this……chances are, YOU ARE HER. J It reminds me of a saying my mother is famous for using, "If she had as many pricks on the outside that she has had on the inside….she'd be a porcupine"…..quality momism.

Group D.: This is the liar in your group. "Sure," she says, "I have only had intercourse with two people. My high school sweetheart at prom and my now husband during college." Seems true. Nothing extravagant but easy enough to keep straight…….until………….she guzzles down ½ a bottle of Malibu and karaoke's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for the 3rd time during a girls night out. She's the one that attempts to CIA her friends by suggesting the novelty, self depricating drinking game of "I NEVER" to bleed her buddies of their dirty little secrets. ………….oh, I NEVER…..remind me to tell you about the shitiest game of it I ever played in college. (Mel-remember that night at the Sigma Chi house with our dear friend who shall remain nameless Row Row Rowa Bear) ANYHOOOOOOO………………..she may think she has the upper hand. However it's you that can take control and get the needed info from the queen of slur. It comes out that, oops…..she happened to have an oral encounter with the entire soccer team the summer in between middle school and high school (but that doesn't count) or that 4 month time period in college when she went to raves every other night with her lesbian roommate (and by raves I mean no air conditioned girl sex on the top bunk, black light strobing, with Moby playing programmed to repeat on the cd player), (stil doesn't count that) or when her history professor encouraged entrance to the exit door (not even counting that) or when she and her boss at Bennigans used to play "How far can we get during our smoke break in the back of my IROC" (NOPE, you guessed it....she doesn't count that either)………seriously MORE THAN JUST 2 PEOPLE DUDE……….or is she being truthful on a technicality?

swimsuit season 07

Saturday, June 23, 2007

i know what hell is gonna be like.... Current mood: crappy
it's lionel richie on a fuzzy intercom speaker
it's toting 38 swimsuits i am attempting to fit into a tiny closet
it's flashbacking to a 20/20 espose i saw on hidden cameras in the ceiling of dressing rooms
it's trying to balance my shirt across my body while quickly pulling up the bottoms and spinning around in circles so i create a blur.......so that the sweaty nerd in the control room using said camera can't see it ALL
it's getting to number 24 of 38 and coming to the conclusion that i am fatter than was previously believed
it's hearing the 18 year old next to me start to cry to her mom because she is fat....a fat size 3! Yes DAMNIT i said 3! Oh, my god......is it against the law to strangle someone with a spaghetti strap from a bikini top?
It's choosing a top too small and a bottom too big thengoing back to the rack to find the same suit only with a top too big and a bottom too big
It's realizing that the only thing separating my boobs from touching my waist is....apparently nothing!
did i mention the f n lionel richie is blaring ......"still NOT dancin on the ceiling a hole"
it's dirty carpet. yuck....seriously the most discusting germ infested stuff with tags that someone yanked off of clothing they stole, blue industrial with stains...i was teetering between walking the highwire of one leg thru, now balance on top of shoe, now other leg thru, now put the shoes on turn around, take a look...................

and run screaming out of department store

that is what i invision hell being like. anyone with me on this?

final result is an old lady suit that covers all important areas tankini with a skirt. who new it would ever come to this? a skirt people! I have to have a damn swimsuit with a skirt!

hell is paying 50 bucks for this sadistic seasonal bullshit

SELL OUT SANDWICH

Sunday, June 03, 2007

"I'll take two self-pleasing burgers w/ an order of sell-out to go please"
Category: Food and Restaurants

so i knew the day would come when i would be watching t.v. and unexpectedly hear a song in the background I recognized.....i just didn't know it would be so 'soon'. Here is the meat and potatoes of my rant.....i remember sitting in the living room listening to my dad wax nostalgic about how much he thought that a certain 60's or 70's band "sold out" by having their "classic" music pushing laundry detergent or ragu spaghetti sauce. I would just nod along somehow missing the REAL heartbreak I would endure myself these 15 someodd years later.

At first it was cool to hear the Blondie song in the background for AT&T and i admit i loved the one superbowl ad a few years back with the guy in surgery "dun, dun, tainted love" by Soft Cell. Ha ha very amuzing. then it happened. The songs that define me as an 80's chick began popping up everywhere.

Example b:
CareerBuilder.com using Quiet Riot's "Feel the Noise"....seriously, what part of "girls rock your boys" sounds like a solid lead on gaining the upper hand of your profession.....unless of course porn is your profession. My bad, clearly i didn't think that one thru.

Carnival Cruises using Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun".....are you kidding with this shit? How many chicks our age are dying to go on a boat with other chicks our age to watch overactors use retarded Jazz Hands and sing off key? Don't get me started on the shuffleboard competition.....kickin some serious arse! Same brand different band....."Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop.....parents dole out the coke were goin rock climbin on a big ass ship.....when you get to the top tell me if you see Gopher.

Cingular Wireless using Talk Talk's "Talk Talk". uuuummmm thanks Captain Obvious. I really needed the extra push of a little 80's ditty to get me to figure out how the hell to use this new phangled technology......so you say i speak into the holes, do ya sonny?

I was minding my own business watching American Idol finale last week when one of my most favoritie songs of all time suddenly crept into my ear. what, what's this says i? how can it be? a lady and her kid growing older together walking to Yaz's "Only You".......This was always #2 on my love mix tapes (second only to DM's "somebody"....duh) to the cuties i wanted, who wanted me or I used to want. It was an honest standby. But JCPENNY"S. F you and Vince Clark and Allison Moyet....we have some serious talking to do here. what part of "looking from a window above" says capri pants and an empire waisted sparkly shirt? Huh? Tell me god damnit!

GMC : not sure what make of SUV it is pushing but I have a hard time buying a car with the diddy "I stop and Melt with you" by modern english. Really with this? Melt-Fire-Car....whose the ad-genious that thought this one up?

This one is a new song by an old fav of mine. THe song is like not even a nano second old and yet Better Than Ezra's "Juicy" is in the background of an Applebee's commercial. Are they joking with this? I didn't even get time to put it on my ipod before it started sellin' shit. THey are smiling tho....they got a big fat "juicy" paycheck.

Just witnessed this one tonight: women throwing out clothes because of bad fabric to Scandal's "Goodbye to You". Yup. Nothing says i am a strong woman like ditching polyester out a 3 story window only to replace with Cotton. "that's it, I'm not puttin up with unbreathable fabric a minute more, you can't push me around lycra, you leave one more bruise on me rayon and we are through". Gimme a break.

Clarinex: B-52's Roam. odd choice for nose spray. The flambouyant gay guy in the group obviously knows enough about puttin shit up a nose for god's sake. This one works. Cocaine in the years of decadence = "alergy" suffering in the new millinia......point well taken.

Currently the one that pisses me off the most right now............Wendy's. Fn red headed burger pusher! The Violent Femmes (seriously, the least of my sell out worries came to fruition) "Blister in the Sun". Okay so let me get this straight. Some staunch red-tie wearing ad exec comes up with the bright idea that a song about cronic masterbation would be the best song for selling beef? Beating off and beef.......coincidence? I think not.

ANNOYANCE TAKE ONE

Monday, May 14, 2007
things i hate right now Current mood: cranky
my awful cold with serious congestion and stuffiness
the sounds of the clicking swahili gentleman in my infected eardrum "Mkubwa hapa in nani? "
the way people merge into traffic like they rule the road
space invaders: not the 80's geek phenomenon. The people in this world who have no sense of personal boundries.....ie, the idiot behind me in the checkout line at target. Seriously......you gettin up on me while i am signing the keypad is not actually making me go faster asshole! Back the hell up!
Other people's bratty kids. If you aint gonna beat um, can I? tell them no. No, really, try it.....it's fun I do it all the time!
Perfectly educated people who don't put their kids in the carseats. Okay rocket scientists.....let me give you a little lesson on a few passing fads called GRAVITY and MOMENTUM. Hint #1: It isn't the 60's anymore. we have learned that kids and winshields don't mix. Hint. #2: If you have a car seat in the back but your kid is in the front or better yet bouncing around the backseat.....you aren't using it properly and should consult the fuckin directions again. You can get one thru WIC or at goodwill now a days....no excuses.
do green beans actually need to have spanish translations printed on them? Can't you guess what is inside by the colorful picture on the front? Dude, Thanks Del Monte, couldn't have figured that one out.
people who have no idea what to do when an emergency vehicle comes by behind them. ..............PULL OVER ASSHOLE! Duh. I don't care where you are from. This is a gimme. It's on the test and its on chips reruns. You can't tell me you don't know.
style today. I am 5'3" on a good day I have big boobs and a big waist yet you want me to squeeze into a pair of tight extra low waist long shorts and a silky material long shirt that goes over my ass. can anyone say midget? fat midget? Not gonna happen thanks anyway tommy hilfigger!
speaking of low waist shit. I want to tell all those skinny teeny boppers that even tho they are probrably all of 120 lbs at their most bloated, they look huge from behind at the mall cuz their super low waisted-pubic hair skimming jeans that are two sizes too tight are squeezing up hip fat like an oozing tube of cookie dough.
full length mirrors should be installed in every home. I mean it, i am serious. Just cuz you can zip it don't mean it fits! Have you been to walmart lately? they sell them, but you'd never know that taking a look around.
tv-when did regular channels start showing nothing but realty game shows instead of sitcoms or the lost art of dramedy? If all this crap is on prime time, what the hell is on the gameshow network? hhhhmmmmm?
i am mean
i am a bitch
truth hurts

KIDS INC.

This is kids inc. but my journey doesn't start there..............So as a tyke i remember wanting to be a solid gold dancer....then after practicing in my room, in the kitchen, in the backyard to screaming legions of fans--well, not really legions......so to say.....more like the creepy kid a grade under me with buck teeth. But it was an audience. Then like a bolting from the sky Marylin Macoo and the whole gang were ripped off the air. Tragedy bestowed upon my 6th grade heart. I cried for a week, drowning my sorrows in the 45 of A Chorus Line on my Holly Hobby record player...."I did it all for Love, did it all forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Love, "One, singular sensation...." cry cry sob sob. Luckily, I still had saturday mornings which meant my one of many hearthrobs, ryan Lambert and my serogate sister, Martika (all fall down, like toy soldiers" whould still be there to cheer me up. I would dance and practice and write down all the steps in my Def Leppard spiral notebook. Meticulously planning for my Kids Inc. Dance audition. I sent letters, i read tigerbeat ....oh yes my friend, with no formal training and no coaching, I would in fact take annoying Stacy's place. I curled my hair like her, i wore my socks mixed up like her......i didn't want to be her.......I wanted to be better than her. I was (and still am for that matter) a master at lip sync. I found this to be a definate asset. I was an actress, did i mention that Mr. Kids Inc. Business Man? Quadruple threat. then it happened..............The Fly Girls.........dun dun duuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn! The In living color debut. I was fixated. I had a new goal. I would be the hottie white chick that moved like a black girl. I now had access to a video recorder. I would record, playback and practice to no end. Then i would take my skills to an under 18 dance club in albuquerque "barritz" and the other one that escapes me. I would flaunt my lacy stretch pants, half tank, and loose button down baby doll dress, ridiculous gold earrings and pirate boots. They would see me and think. Awww cute white girl. Then as soon as you could say "hammer don't hurt em", I would be the only one jamming in a circle to RobBase............"go white girl, go white girl go" ......I would practice and practice, humpty dance, running man, roger rabbit, kid-n-play. I was gonna make it! Watched flashdance again for the umpteenth time.......put in a Pearl Jam cd and realized I might wanna focus on comedic theater.Now, before you cry for me argentina. Know that I can still dance, i do faithfully watch shows like "so you think you can dance" and mtv's Dance life and live vicariously through them. Especially now that dancing looks like so much flipppin fun. I am 31 and it aint gonna happen, that i will be dancing back up to prince or justin.....but, at a wedding or bar mitzvah.....watch out....cuz i will BRING IT!ps- kinda cool that Stacy from Kids Inc. is Fergie eh? I sooooooooo coulda been her!