Wednesday, June 27, 2007
the law of numbers Current mood: amused Category: Sports
So just today I was having an adult conversation with a close friend. I must say, I do love having open and honest people around me to fuel my various rants and un-rhetorical questions. Throughout the years I have had this particular discussion in many living rooms, coffee shops and dorm rooms across the country and the same things happen over and over. So not unlike a scientist or a Gallup poll --I will attempt to organize my opinion/theory on the law of numbers.
By numbers I mean the amount sexual of partners a particular person has had. In this particular case, let's just say your female circle of friends has had and have discussed with you. I am a person who doesn't blush easily, even when I was living a holier-than-thou lifestyle, I was always open to discuss sex and all its various topics and subtopics. To file these friends properly, you will need only 4 categories.
Group A: These are the Sandra Dee's of your group. They are sweet but don't really have a ton to offer the steamy talk. They fell in love, got engaged, got married and had sex. In that exact order NO DEVIATION. They are the friends that once this topic comes to a head (pardon the pun) they leave the room to replenish the Margarita Mix or neatly cut the crusts off the cucumber sandwiches. They can't however deny the pull of the sex talk so they rush back in pretending to pick up crushed napkins and empty glasses, "oh did you need more lil smokies?" …………..No, it's not you, keep reading.
ps-this girl is a freaky freak in the bedroom, don't let the headband and keds fool you
Group B: These are the sexy ones of the group. Whether they know it or not, they have something that says "naughty" it could be her low cut shirt or that she is an uncontrollable flirt. She's womanly but not sluttish per se. She can sneak an innuendo in at the most interesting of times. She usually enjoys sex and isn't afraid to discuss it with her friends. This group is the only one I have subcategorized…….lets just say, for sake of memorization: B1 and B2. B1 only has to use one hand to do her count (usually b/c of a late start) and B2 can use all her phalanges and possibly a toe or three. She can list date, place and name (last name if he was hot as balls or met her mom) Of course there is usually a name or two she wishes she could erase….but otherwise she is comfortable with her conquests. She is either happy with her adventures or wishes she had one more inning in her game.
Group C: Well, well, well……this lil lady has been busy getting busy. She has no idea of her number let alone mere names. When adding her final numbers, she has to carry the one (a few times.) We are talking serious 4th grade math notebook here! I had a sister in law in this category once. ……interesting specimen. Take caution here ladies, if you don't know anyone in your group like this……chances are, YOU ARE HER. J It reminds me of a saying my mother is famous for using, "If she had as many pricks on the outside that she has had on the inside….she'd be a porcupine"…..quality momism.
Group D.: This is the liar in your group. "Sure," she says, "I have only had intercourse with two people. My high school sweetheart at prom and my now husband during college." Seems true. Nothing extravagant but easy enough to keep straight…….until………….she guzzles down ½ a bottle of Malibu and karaoke's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for the 3rd time during a girls night out. She's the one that attempts to CIA her friends by suggesting the novelty, self depricating drinking game of "I NEVER" to bleed her buddies of their dirty little secrets. ………….oh, I NEVER…..remind me to tell you about the shitiest game of it I ever played in college. (Mel-remember that night at the Sigma Chi house with our dear friend who shall remain nameless Row Row Rowa Bear) ANYHOOOOOOO………………..she may think she has the upper hand. However it's you that can take control and get the needed info from the queen of slur. It comes out that, oops…..she happened to have an oral encounter with the entire soccer team the summer in between middle school and high school (but that doesn't count) or that 4 month time period in college when she went to raves every other night with her lesbian roommate (and by raves I mean no air conditioned girl sex on the top bunk, black light strobing, with Moby playing programmed to repeat on the cd player), (stil doesn't count that) or when her history professor encouraged entrance to the exit door (not even counting that) or when she and her boss at Bennigans used to play "How far can we get during our smoke break in the back of my IROC" (NOPE, you guessed it....she doesn't count that either)………seriously MORE THAN JUST 2 PEOPLE DUDE……….or is she being truthful on a technicality?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
swimsuit season 07
Saturday, June 23, 2007
i know what hell is gonna be like.... Current mood: crappy
it's lionel richie on a fuzzy intercom speaker
it's toting 38 swimsuits i am attempting to fit into a tiny closet
it's flashbacking to a 20/20 espose i saw on hidden cameras in the ceiling of dressing rooms
it's trying to balance my shirt across my body while quickly pulling up the bottoms and spinning around in circles so i create a blur.......so that the sweaty nerd in the control room using said camera can't see it ALL
it's getting to number 24 of 38 and coming to the conclusion that i am fatter than was previously believed
it's hearing the 18 year old next to me start to cry to her mom because she is fat....a fat size 3! Yes DAMNIT i said 3! Oh, my god......is it against the law to strangle someone with a spaghetti strap from a bikini top?
It's choosing a top too small and a bottom too big thengoing back to the rack to find the same suit only with a top too big and a bottom too big
It's realizing that the only thing separating my boobs from touching my waist is....apparently nothing!
did i mention the f n lionel richie is blaring ......"still NOT dancin on the ceiling a hole"
it's dirty carpet. yuck....seriously the most discusting germ infested stuff with tags that someone yanked off of clothing they stole, blue industrial with stains...i was teetering between walking the highwire of one leg thru, now balance on top of shoe, now other leg thru, now put the shoes on turn around, take a look...................
and run screaming out of department store
that is what i invision hell being like. anyone with me on this?
final result is an old lady suit that covers all important areas tankini with a skirt. who new it would ever come to this? a skirt people! I have to have a damn swimsuit with a skirt!
hell is paying 50 bucks for this sadistic seasonal bullshit
i know what hell is gonna be like.... Current mood: crappy
it's lionel richie on a fuzzy intercom speaker
it's toting 38 swimsuits i am attempting to fit into a tiny closet
it's flashbacking to a 20/20 espose i saw on hidden cameras in the ceiling of dressing rooms
it's trying to balance my shirt across my body while quickly pulling up the bottoms and spinning around in circles so i create a blur.......so that the sweaty nerd in the control room using said camera can't see it ALL
it's getting to number 24 of 38 and coming to the conclusion that i am fatter than was previously believed
it's hearing the 18 year old next to me start to cry to her mom because she is fat....a fat size 3! Yes DAMNIT i said 3! Oh, my god......is it against the law to strangle someone with a spaghetti strap from a bikini top?
It's choosing a top too small and a bottom too big thengoing back to the rack to find the same suit only with a top too big and a bottom too big
It's realizing that the only thing separating my boobs from touching my waist is....apparently nothing!
did i mention the f n lionel richie is blaring ......"still NOT dancin on the ceiling a hole"
it's dirty carpet. yuck....seriously the most discusting germ infested stuff with tags that someone yanked off of clothing they stole, blue industrial with stains...i was teetering between walking the highwire of one leg thru, now balance on top of shoe, now other leg thru, now put the shoes on turn around, take a look...................
and run screaming out of department store
that is what i invision hell being like. anyone with me on this?
final result is an old lady suit that covers all important areas tankini with a skirt. who new it would ever come to this? a skirt people! I have to have a damn swimsuit with a skirt!
hell is paying 50 bucks for this sadistic seasonal bullshit
Sunday, June 3, 2007
SELL OUT SANDWICH
Sunday, June 03, 2007
"I'll take two self-pleasing burgers w/ an order of sell-out to go please"
Category: Food and Restaurants
so i knew the day would come when i would be watching t.v. and unexpectedly hear a song in the background I recognized.....i just didn't know it would be so 'soon'. Here is the meat and potatoes of my rant.....i remember sitting in the living room listening to my dad wax nostalgic about how much he thought that a certain 60's or 70's band "sold out" by having their "classic" music pushing laundry detergent or ragu spaghetti sauce. I would just nod along somehow missing the REAL heartbreak I would endure myself these 15 someodd years later.
At first it was cool to hear the Blondie song in the background for AT&T and i admit i loved the one superbowl ad a few years back with the guy in surgery "dun, dun, tainted love" by Soft Cell. Ha ha very amuzing. then it happened. The songs that define me as an 80's chick began popping up everywhere.
Example b:
CareerBuilder.com using Quiet Riot's "Feel the Noise"....seriously, what part of "girls rock your boys" sounds like a solid lead on gaining the upper hand of your profession.....unless of course porn is your profession. My bad, clearly i didn't think that one thru.
Carnival Cruises using Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun".....are you kidding with this shit? How many chicks our age are dying to go on a boat with other chicks our age to watch overactors use retarded Jazz Hands and sing off key? Don't get me started on the shuffleboard competition.....kickin some serious arse! Same brand different band....."Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop.....parents dole out the coke were goin rock climbin on a big ass ship.....when you get to the top tell me if you see Gopher.
Cingular Wireless using Talk Talk's "Talk Talk". uuuummmm thanks Captain Obvious. I really needed the extra push of a little 80's ditty to get me to figure out how the hell to use this new phangled technology......so you say i speak into the holes, do ya sonny?
I was minding my own business watching American Idol finale last week when one of my most favoritie songs of all time suddenly crept into my ear. what, what's this says i? how can it be? a lady and her kid growing older together walking to Yaz's "Only You".......This was always #2 on my love mix tapes (second only to DM's "somebody"....duh) to the cuties i wanted, who wanted me or I used to want. It was an honest standby. But JCPENNY"S. F you and Vince Clark and Allison Moyet....we have some serious talking to do here. what part of "looking from a window above" says capri pants and an empire waisted sparkly shirt? Huh? Tell me god damnit!
GMC : not sure what make of SUV it is pushing but I have a hard time buying a car with the diddy "I stop and Melt with you" by modern english. Really with this? Melt-Fire-Car....whose the ad-genious that thought this one up?
This one is a new song by an old fav of mine. THe song is like not even a nano second old and yet Better Than Ezra's "Juicy" is in the background of an Applebee's commercial. Are they joking with this? I didn't even get time to put it on my ipod before it started sellin' shit. THey are smiling tho....they got a big fat "juicy" paycheck.
Just witnessed this one tonight: women throwing out clothes because of bad fabric to Scandal's "Goodbye to You". Yup. Nothing says i am a strong woman like ditching polyester out a 3 story window only to replace with Cotton. "that's it, I'm not puttin up with unbreathable fabric a minute more, you can't push me around lycra, you leave one more bruise on me rayon and we are through". Gimme a break.
Clarinex: B-52's Roam. odd choice for nose spray. The flambouyant gay guy in the group obviously knows enough about puttin shit up a nose for god's sake. This one works. Cocaine in the years of decadence = "alergy" suffering in the new millinia......point well taken.
Currently the one that pisses me off the most right now............Wendy's. Fn red headed burger pusher! The Violent Femmes (seriously, the least of my sell out worries came to fruition) "Blister in the Sun". Okay so let me get this straight. Some staunch red-tie wearing ad exec comes up with the bright idea that a song about cronic masterbation would be the best song for selling beef? Beating off and beef.......coincidence? I think not.
"I'll take two self-pleasing burgers w/ an order of sell-out to go please"
Category: Food and Restaurants
so i knew the day would come when i would be watching t.v. and unexpectedly hear a song in the background I recognized.....i just didn't know it would be so 'soon'. Here is the meat and potatoes of my rant.....i remember sitting in the living room listening to my dad wax nostalgic about how much he thought that a certain 60's or 70's band "sold out" by having their "classic" music pushing laundry detergent or ragu spaghetti sauce. I would just nod along somehow missing the REAL heartbreak I would endure myself these 15 someodd years later.
At first it was cool to hear the Blondie song in the background for AT&T and i admit i loved the one superbowl ad a few years back with the guy in surgery "dun, dun, tainted love" by Soft Cell. Ha ha very amuzing. then it happened. The songs that define me as an 80's chick began popping up everywhere.
Example b:
CareerBuilder.com using Quiet Riot's "Feel the Noise"....seriously, what part of "girls rock your boys" sounds like a solid lead on gaining the upper hand of your profession.....unless of course porn is your profession. My bad, clearly i didn't think that one thru.
Carnival Cruises using Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun".....are you kidding with this shit? How many chicks our age are dying to go on a boat with other chicks our age to watch overactors use retarded Jazz Hands and sing off key? Don't get me started on the shuffleboard competition.....kickin some serious arse! Same brand different band....."Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop.....parents dole out the coke were goin rock climbin on a big ass ship.....when you get to the top tell me if you see Gopher.
Cingular Wireless using Talk Talk's "Talk Talk". uuuummmm thanks Captain Obvious. I really needed the extra push of a little 80's ditty to get me to figure out how the hell to use this new phangled technology......so you say i speak into the holes, do ya sonny?
I was minding my own business watching American Idol finale last week when one of my most favoritie songs of all time suddenly crept into my ear. what, what's this says i? how can it be? a lady and her kid growing older together walking to Yaz's "Only You".......This was always #2 on my love mix tapes (second only to DM's "somebody"....duh) to the cuties i wanted, who wanted me or I used to want. It was an honest standby. But JCPENNY"S. F you and Vince Clark and Allison Moyet....we have some serious talking to do here. what part of "looking from a window above" says capri pants and an empire waisted sparkly shirt? Huh? Tell me god damnit!
GMC : not sure what make of SUV it is pushing but I have a hard time buying a car with the diddy "I stop and Melt with you" by modern english. Really with this? Melt-Fire-Car....whose the ad-genious that thought this one up?
This one is a new song by an old fav of mine. THe song is like not even a nano second old and yet Better Than Ezra's "Juicy" is in the background of an Applebee's commercial. Are they joking with this? I didn't even get time to put it on my ipod before it started sellin' shit. THey are smiling tho....they got a big fat "juicy" paycheck.
Just witnessed this one tonight: women throwing out clothes because of bad fabric to Scandal's "Goodbye to You". Yup. Nothing says i am a strong woman like ditching polyester out a 3 story window only to replace with Cotton. "that's it, I'm not puttin up with unbreathable fabric a minute more, you can't push me around lycra, you leave one more bruise on me rayon and we are through". Gimme a break.
Clarinex: B-52's Roam. odd choice for nose spray. The flambouyant gay guy in the group obviously knows enough about puttin shit up a nose for god's sake. This one works. Cocaine in the years of decadence = "alergy" suffering in the new millinia......point well taken.
Currently the one that pisses me off the most right now............Wendy's. Fn red headed burger pusher! The Violent Femmes (seriously, the least of my sell out worries came to fruition) "Blister in the Sun". Okay so let me get this straight. Some staunch red-tie wearing ad exec comes up with the bright idea that a song about cronic masterbation would be the best song for selling beef? Beating off and beef.......coincidence? I think not.
Monday, May 14, 2007
ANNOYANCE TAKE ONE
Monday, May 14, 2007
things i hate right now Current mood: cranky
my awful cold with serious congestion and stuffiness
the sounds of the clicking swahili gentleman in my infected eardrum "Mkubwa hapa in nani? "
the way people merge into traffic like they rule the road
space invaders: not the 80's geek phenomenon. The people in this world who have no sense of personal boundries.....ie, the idiot behind me in the checkout line at target. Seriously......you gettin up on me while i am signing the keypad is not actually making me go faster asshole! Back the hell up!
Other people's bratty kids. If you aint gonna beat um, can I? tell them no. No, really, try it.....it's fun I do it all the time!
Perfectly educated people who don't put their kids in the carseats. Okay rocket scientists.....let me give you a little lesson on a few passing fads called GRAVITY and MOMENTUM. Hint #1: It isn't the 60's anymore. we have learned that kids and winshields don't mix. Hint. #2: If you have a car seat in the back but your kid is in the front or better yet bouncing around the backseat.....you aren't using it properly and should consult the fuckin directions again. You can get one thru WIC or at goodwill now a days....no excuses.
do green beans actually need to have spanish translations printed on them? Can't you guess what is inside by the colorful picture on the front? Dude, Thanks Del Monte, couldn't have figured that one out.
people who have no idea what to do when an emergency vehicle comes by behind them. ..............PULL OVER ASSHOLE! Duh. I don't care where you are from. This is a gimme. It's on the test and its on chips reruns. You can't tell me you don't know.
style today. I am 5'3" on a good day I have big boobs and a big waist yet you want me to squeeze into a pair of tight extra low waist long shorts and a silky material long shirt that goes over my ass. can anyone say midget? fat midget? Not gonna happen thanks anyway tommy hilfigger!
speaking of low waist shit. I want to tell all those skinny teeny boppers that even tho they are probrably all of 120 lbs at their most bloated, they look huge from behind at the mall cuz their super low waisted-pubic hair skimming jeans that are two sizes too tight are squeezing up hip fat like an oozing tube of cookie dough.
full length mirrors should be installed in every home. I mean it, i am serious. Just cuz you can zip it don't mean it fits! Have you been to walmart lately? they sell them, but you'd never know that taking a look around.
tv-when did regular channels start showing nothing but realty game shows instead of sitcoms or the lost art of dramedy? If all this crap is on prime time, what the hell is on the gameshow network? hhhhmmmmm?
i am mean
i am a bitch
truth hurts
things i hate right now Current mood: cranky
my awful cold with serious congestion and stuffiness
the sounds of the clicking swahili gentleman in my infected eardrum "Mkubwa hapa in nani? "
the way people merge into traffic like they rule the road
space invaders: not the 80's geek phenomenon. The people in this world who have no sense of personal boundries.....ie, the idiot behind me in the checkout line at target. Seriously......you gettin up on me while i am signing the keypad is not actually making me go faster asshole! Back the hell up!
Other people's bratty kids. If you aint gonna beat um, can I? tell them no. No, really, try it.....it's fun I do it all the time!
Perfectly educated people who don't put their kids in the carseats. Okay rocket scientists.....let me give you a little lesson on a few passing fads called GRAVITY and MOMENTUM. Hint #1: It isn't the 60's anymore. we have learned that kids and winshields don't mix. Hint. #2: If you have a car seat in the back but your kid is in the front or better yet bouncing around the backseat.....you aren't using it properly and should consult the fuckin directions again. You can get one thru WIC or at goodwill now a days....no excuses.
do green beans actually need to have spanish translations printed on them? Can't you guess what is inside by the colorful picture on the front? Dude, Thanks Del Monte, couldn't have figured that one out.
people who have no idea what to do when an emergency vehicle comes by behind them. ..............PULL OVER ASSHOLE! Duh. I don't care where you are from. This is a gimme. It's on the test and its on chips reruns. You can't tell me you don't know.
style today. I am 5'3" on a good day I have big boobs and a big waist yet you want me to squeeze into a pair of tight extra low waist long shorts and a silky material long shirt that goes over my ass. can anyone say midget? fat midget? Not gonna happen thanks anyway tommy hilfigger!
speaking of low waist shit. I want to tell all those skinny teeny boppers that even tho they are probrably all of 120 lbs at their most bloated, they look huge from behind at the mall cuz their super low waisted-pubic hair skimming jeans that are two sizes too tight are squeezing up hip fat like an oozing tube of cookie dough.
full length mirrors should be installed in every home. I mean it, i am serious. Just cuz you can zip it don't mean it fits! Have you been to walmart lately? they sell them, but you'd never know that taking a look around.
tv-when did regular channels start showing nothing but realty game shows instead of sitcoms or the lost art of dramedy? If all this crap is on prime time, what the hell is on the gameshow network? hhhhmmmmm?
i am mean
i am a bitch
truth hurts
Monday, May 7, 2007
KIDS INC.
This is kids inc. but my journey doesn't start there..............So as a tyke i remember wanting to be a solid gold dancer....then after practicing in my room, in the kitchen, in the backyard to screaming legions of fans--well, not really legions......so to say.....more like the creepy kid a grade under me with buck teeth. But it was an audience. Then like a bolting from the sky Marylin Macoo and the whole gang were ripped off the air. Tragedy bestowed upon my 6th grade heart. I cried for a week, drowning my sorrows in the 45 of A Chorus Line on my Holly Hobby record player...."I did it all for Love, did it all forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Love, "One, singular sensation...." cry cry sob sob. Luckily, I still had saturday mornings which meant my one of many hearthrobs, ryan Lambert and my serogate sister, Martika (all fall down, like toy soldiers" whould still be there to cheer me up. I would dance and practice and write down all the steps in my Def Leppard spiral notebook. Meticulously planning for my Kids Inc. Dance audition. I sent letters, i read tigerbeat ....oh yes my friend, with no formal training and no coaching, I would in fact take annoying Stacy's place. I curled my hair like her, i wore my socks mixed up like her......i didn't want to be her.......I wanted to be better than her. I was (and still am for that matter) a master at lip sync. I found this to be a definate asset. I was an actress, did i mention that Mr. Kids Inc. Business Man? Quadruple threat. then it happened..............The Fly Girls.........dun dun duuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn! The In living color debut. I was fixated. I had a new goal. I would be the hottie white chick that moved like a black girl. I now had access to a video recorder. I would record, playback and practice to no end. Then i would take my skills to an under 18 dance club in albuquerque "barritz" and the other one that escapes me. I would flaunt my lacy stretch pants, half tank, and loose button down baby doll dress, ridiculous gold earrings and pirate boots. They would see me and think. Awww cute white girl. Then as soon as you could say "hammer don't hurt em", I would be the only one jamming in a circle to RobBase............"go white girl, go white girl go" ......I would practice and practice, humpty dance, running man, roger rabbit, kid-n-play. I was gonna make it! Watched flashdance again for the umpteenth time.......put in a Pearl Jam cd and realized I might wanna focus on comedic theater.Now, before you cry for me argentina. Know that I can still dance, i do faithfully watch shows like "so you think you can dance" and mtv's Dance life and live vicariously through them. Especially now that dancing looks like so much flipppin fun. I am 31 and it aint gonna happen, that i will be dancing back up to prince or justin.....but, at a wedding or bar mitzvah.....watch out....cuz i will BRING IT!ps- kinda cool that Stacy from Kids Inc. is Fergie eh? I sooooooooo coulda been her!
Monday, April 16, 2007
ME IN A NUTSHELL CIRCA 07
Monday, April 16, 2007
Me in a NUTSHELL....my fav query so far Current mood: crazy Category: Quiz/Survey
1. Song that always makes you sad?Proud to be an American---- but anything by mariah carey makes me cry until someone finally turns that shit off
2. Last thing you bought?home decor
3. Last person you argued with?my 5 year old...i won by the way
4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?odd overkill
5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid?ben, stripes, laminkins...seriously i could go on forever
6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?yup
7. Favorite day of the week?Saturday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?Hot fudge baby!
9. Did you take Piano lessons?I sure did until my teacher wouldn't let me play Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 at my first recital when i was in 3rd grade. still never forgave the B cuz i can't play anything now but chopsticks.....that whore!
10. Most frequent song played?Sleeping to Dream by cutie-pa-tootie Jason Mraz
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?Real Housewives of Orange County.....it makes me feel like i could win on Jeopardy!
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?play with a hockey player........oh, oops that said PLAY Basketball or Hockey not PLAY WITH....my bad
13. Date someone older or younger?older when i was younger and younger now that i am older
14. One place you could travel to right now?IRELAND in a heartbeat, tho i would have to have some valium to get over the ocean in that big ass metal tube
15. Do you use umbrellas?only when it's raining
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?"hoser eh" is really the only canadian i know oh and mike meyers
17. Favorite Cheese?no, i have to say this question is a hard one but it is a gouda tie between irish cheddar and munste
r18. The Smith's or the Cure?The Cure for Sure!
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?brunettes
20. Best job you ever had?being a coctail waitress at a strip club runs a close 2nd to motherhood ..... :) hee he heeee hee heee!
21. did you go to your high school prom?several times and some other high schools too every year in HS.
22. perfect time to wake up?o-dark thirty on a snowy sunday to watch old black and white movies before hubby and kidlet wake up
23. perfect time to go to bed?whenever i am sleepy
24. do you use your queen right away in chess?this is the question for all the terminally dorky
25. Ever been in a car accident?yup
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?in miles/proximity? hold on lemme use me some mapquest
27. what age is this exciting life over for you?probrably 100 years old..... although it would be exciting to be that old and wonder if you are gonna wake up in the morning. that is the kind of excitement a girl could get used......oh, wait, no that would suck. nevermind
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?40's...i would have run away to become a pinup girl and married a G.I. from nebraska that i met on the train instead
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?my navy blue penny loafers i bought with my money i made working at the Pizza company. I watched them in the Thom McAnn window for weeks just across the mall from were i slung tomato sauce and bought them.....then started dating the shoe salesman who sold them to me.....aaahhhhh chris thomas.....he he he he!
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?yes, it actually belonged to my friend Kristen Patton and i have sadly, several pictures of myself in it throughout the years.....dude, Outback Red was a fine brand!
31. Were you in track and field?nope...but most of the la cueva boys I dated were!
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? You could say that........i was the one-woman talent show in high school.
33. Have you ever written in a library book?sure
34. Allergic to?mariah carey, see #1
35. Favorite fruit?pineapple
36. Have you watched sex and the city?Yes- with my telescope
37. Baseball hat or toque?whats a toque? and i call it a baseball CAP....hats are what southern women wear on a hot day when the stereotypically drink iced tea
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?shampoo then soap while the conditioner is doing it's thing. this is the way it has been for years......its all i have ever known. do not question me. do not try to change me
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?Wet, who brushes their teeth with a dry toothbursh??
40. Pen or pencil?Pen....the chance of making a mistake is encaptivating
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?yup
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?yup
43. Have you thrown up in a car?yup
44. Have you thrown up at work?yup all three of these last questions i have done in one day too!
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?damn straight cuz i am about to die---hurdling thru space, go flying off the track and slam into the fat kid with the cotton candy and a boner who is waiting in line for a turkey leg.......you would scream too
46. Who was your first prom date?Mike Grossman i was a freshman with a cute blue dress
47. Who was your first roommate?my grandma ......then diedre thompson in college
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?corona at Eli's bar mitzfah.....i told the bartender that my mom said it was okay given the celebrations and me being a woman now that i am 13. He asked where she was and i just waived my finger over in a general direction and said, "oy, she's the one over there wearing the blue sweater dress and huge rinestone earrings, dontcha see her already?".....it worked for 3 separate trips to the bar!
49. What was your first job?babysitting
50. What was your first car?gmc jimmy
51. When did you go to your first funeral?in 8th grade
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?12-and i couldn't have been more pissed off about it. i took like 2 years to get over it.
53. Who was your first grade teacher ?awwww. rockin ms. salmon
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?i was a tiny baby and all i know is that it was colored yellow like a banana...no lie
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?almost the whole 6th grade class to tp some guy named jay's house i think
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?Matthew Garavaglia......wish i still knew him....that would be neat
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house?bernalillo hall at ENMU
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?sally or my mom
59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?one of my mom's
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?wake up
61. What was the first concert you attended?with someone? beach boys at denver stadium....sans parental unit? Belinda Carlisle
62. First tattoo or piercing?ears when i was 7 no tatoos
63. First celebrity crush? john schnieder from duke's of hazards then i just built on from there: Michael j fox, kirk cameron, andrew mccarthy, ryan lambert, jon bon jovi..........
Me in a NUTSHELL....my fav query so far Current mood: crazy Category: Quiz/Survey
1. Song that always makes you sad?Proud to be an American---- but anything by mariah carey makes me cry until someone finally turns that shit off
2. Last thing you bought?home decor
3. Last person you argued with?my 5 year old...i won by the way
4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?odd overkill
5. One of your stuffed animals' names as a kid?ben, stripes, laminkins...seriously i could go on forever
6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?yup
7. Favorite day of the week?Saturday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?Hot fudge baby!
9. Did you take Piano lessons?I sure did until my teacher wouldn't let me play Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 at my first recital when i was in 3rd grade. still never forgave the B cuz i can't play anything now but chopsticks.....that whore!
10. Most frequent song played?Sleeping to Dream by cutie-pa-tootie Jason Mraz
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?Real Housewives of Orange County.....it makes me feel like i could win on Jeopardy!
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?play with a hockey player........oh, oops that said PLAY Basketball or Hockey not PLAY WITH....my bad
13. Date someone older or younger?older when i was younger and younger now that i am older
14. One place you could travel to right now?IRELAND in a heartbeat, tho i would have to have some valium to get over the ocean in that big ass metal tube
15. Do you use umbrellas?only when it's raining
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?"hoser eh" is really the only canadian i know oh and mike meyers
17. Favorite Cheese?no, i have to say this question is a hard one but it is a gouda tie between irish cheddar and munste
r18. The Smith's or the Cure?The Cure for Sure!
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?brunettes
20. Best job you ever had?being a coctail waitress at a strip club runs a close 2nd to motherhood ..... :) hee he heeee hee heee!
21. did you go to your high school prom?several times and some other high schools too every year in HS.
22. perfect time to wake up?o-dark thirty on a snowy sunday to watch old black and white movies before hubby and kidlet wake up
23. perfect time to go to bed?whenever i am sleepy
24. do you use your queen right away in chess?this is the question for all the terminally dorky
25. Ever been in a car accident?yup
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?in miles/proximity? hold on lemme use me some mapquest
27. what age is this exciting life over for you?probrably 100 years old..... although it would be exciting to be that old and wonder if you are gonna wake up in the morning. that is the kind of excitement a girl could get used......oh, wait, no that would suck. nevermind
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?40's...i would have run away to become a pinup girl and married a G.I. from nebraska that i met on the train instead
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?my navy blue penny loafers i bought with my money i made working at the Pizza company. I watched them in the Thom McAnn window for weeks just across the mall from were i slung tomato sauce and bought them.....then started dating the shoe salesman who sold them to me.....aaahhhhh chris thomas.....he he he he!
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?yes, it actually belonged to my friend Kristen Patton and i have sadly, several pictures of myself in it throughout the years.....dude, Outback Red was a fine brand!
31. Were you in track and field?nope...but most of the la cueva boys I dated were!
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? You could say that........i was the one-woman talent show in high school.
33. Have you ever written in a library book?sure
34. Allergic to?mariah carey, see #1
35. Favorite fruit?pineapple
36. Have you watched sex and the city?Yes- with my telescope
37. Baseball hat or toque?whats a toque? and i call it a baseball CAP....hats are what southern women wear on a hot day when the stereotypically drink iced tea
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?shampoo then soap while the conditioner is doing it's thing. this is the way it has been for years......its all i have ever known. do not question me. do not try to change me
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?Wet, who brushes their teeth with a dry toothbursh??
40. Pen or pencil?Pen....the chance of making a mistake is encaptivating
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?yup
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?yup
43. Have you thrown up in a car?yup
44. Have you thrown up at work?yup all three of these last questions i have done in one day too!
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?damn straight cuz i am about to die---hurdling thru space, go flying off the track and slam into the fat kid with the cotton candy and a boner who is waiting in line for a turkey leg.......you would scream too
46. Who was your first prom date?Mike Grossman i was a freshman with a cute blue dress
47. Who was your first roommate?my grandma ......then diedre thompson in college
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?corona at Eli's bar mitzfah.....i told the bartender that my mom said it was okay given the celebrations and me being a woman now that i am 13. He asked where she was and i just waived my finger over in a general direction and said, "oy, she's the one over there wearing the blue sweater dress and huge rinestone earrings, dontcha see her already?".....it worked for 3 separate trips to the bar!
49. What was your first job?babysitting
50. What was your first car?gmc jimmy
51. When did you go to your first funeral?in 8th grade
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?12-and i couldn't have been more pissed off about it. i took like 2 years to get over it.
53. Who was your first grade teacher ?awwww. rockin ms. salmon
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?i was a tiny baby and all i know is that it was colored yellow like a banana...no lie
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?almost the whole 6th grade class to tp some guy named jay's house i think
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?Matthew Garavaglia......wish i still knew him....that would be neat
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent's house?bernalillo hall at ENMU
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?sally or my mom
59. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?one of my mom's
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?wake up
61. What was the first concert you attended?with someone? beach boys at denver stadium....sans parental unit? Belinda Carlisle
62. First tattoo or piercing?ears when i was 7 no tatoos
63. First celebrity crush? john schnieder from duke's of hazards then i just built on from there: Michael j fox, kirk cameron, andrew mccarthy, ryan lambert, jon bon jovi..........
Sunday, March 25, 2007
GAS PROBLEMS
Sunday, March 25, 2007
new cologne: e du unleaded 87 Category: Automotive
so yesterday i was on my way to my buddy laura's house to pick her up for a mom's moment out sans children.
i noticed that i needed gas in the suv to get to her house so like any responsible car owner, i attempted to fill er up.
i use the word "attempted" to illustrate the fact that the following story leads up to a "ill-attempt" to function as a normal 31 year old adult who has in fact, been pumping gasoline for, well 15 years or so.
there i was, put my card in, put the nozzle in and did what many of us refer to as "flippin up the lazy switch". I put the lock on the nozzle so i could clean out the front seat of the car for my friend laura to actually have a place to set her tuckas. (if you know me, you know my car is a gigantic abyss of kid crap, cd's, magazines, clothes and the occasional rotting food) So this step was muy importante for the continuation of my friendship with laura.
i am a multitasker. i can clean out my car AND pump gas, AND apply lipstick, AND catch a quick glimpse of a cute piece of art at the next pump.
then i heard it
a sound that will forever be branded in my memory:
whoooosh, sppppppppeeeeeee, whooosh, ppppbbbbllllssstt
i come around my vehicle to see a stream of gasoline spewing out like a geyser all over the side , up the window, down around the wheel well. In a knee jerk reaction i yell at previously stated cute gentleman, "what happened, did you hear the click? where was the click? there is ALWAYS A CLICK" (imagine hands waving, spinning motion and i think i had a little jump in there)
I frantically unsqueeze the trigger of exploding liquid poison and put it back in its proper home.
the man said nothing at first then a very tiny scared, "uh, yeah no click this time" .....jack--- where were you when i needed justification or absolution? Men!!! Huh!
the attendent, whose nationality and linguistics i found both ironic and comforting at the same time, brought me some major honkin big handiwipes....apparently for just said occasion......but it was all over my car. i was a driving molotov cocktail for god's sake one lazy ass guy with a full ashtray and a cig but flick later and i'd be a suicide bomber with no martyerdom.
i glanced up at the pump. HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!! $48 !! i spewed out $14 WORTH OF GASOLINE!WASTED! crap!
the attendent senses my grief at spending more than i got and my driving dilema and gives me a free carwash voucher.
normally a free carwash makes me happy......three reasons it did not:
1-it was raining at that particular moment. what dumbass parades through a carwash on a rainy day
2-technically the rainy day carwash wasn't at all free! it was $14 and a pocketfull of pride
3-it made me late, i hate being late
new cologne: e du unleaded 87 Category: Automotive
so yesterday i was on my way to my buddy laura's house to pick her up for a mom's moment out sans children.
i noticed that i needed gas in the suv to get to her house so like any responsible car owner, i attempted to fill er up.
i use the word "attempted" to illustrate the fact that the following story leads up to a "ill-attempt" to function as a normal 31 year old adult who has in fact, been pumping gasoline for, well 15 years or so.
there i was, put my card in, put the nozzle in and did what many of us refer to as "flippin up the lazy switch". I put the lock on the nozzle so i could clean out the front seat of the car for my friend laura to actually have a place to set her tuckas. (if you know me, you know my car is a gigantic abyss of kid crap, cd's, magazines, clothes and the occasional rotting food) So this step was muy importante for the continuation of my friendship with laura.
i am a multitasker. i can clean out my car AND pump gas, AND apply lipstick, AND catch a quick glimpse of a cute piece of art at the next pump.
then i heard it
a sound that will forever be branded in my memory:
whoooosh, sppppppppeeeeeee, whooosh, ppppbbbbllllssstt
i come around my vehicle to see a stream of gasoline spewing out like a geyser all over the side , up the window, down around the wheel well. In a knee jerk reaction i yell at previously stated cute gentleman, "what happened, did you hear the click? where was the click? there is ALWAYS A CLICK" (imagine hands waving, spinning motion and i think i had a little jump in there)
I frantically unsqueeze the trigger of exploding liquid poison and put it back in its proper home.
the man said nothing at first then a very tiny scared, "uh, yeah no click this time" .....jack--- where were you when i needed justification or absolution? Men!!! Huh!
the attendent, whose nationality and linguistics i found both ironic and comforting at the same time, brought me some major honkin big handiwipes....apparently for just said occasion......but it was all over my car. i was a driving molotov cocktail for god's sake one lazy ass guy with a full ashtray and a cig but flick later and i'd be a suicide bomber with no martyerdom.
i glanced up at the pump. HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!!! $48 !! i spewed out $14 WORTH OF GASOLINE!WASTED! crap!
the attendent senses my grief at spending more than i got and my driving dilema and gives me a free carwash voucher.
normally a free carwash makes me happy......three reasons it did not:
1-it was raining at that particular moment. what dumbass parades through a carwash on a rainy day
2-technically the rainy day carwash wasn't at all free! it was $14 and a pocketfull of pride
3-it made me late, i hate being late
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
TICKLE ME ELMO IN nyc
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
tickle me elmo precursor wardrobe malfunction Current mood: crazy Category: Parties and Nightlife
so most of you know i just got back from New York City for an anual teachers convention. Montessori 100 years in fact.
so, there i was leaving the conference saturday night to meet a buddy i hadn't seen in a year and her awesome 16 year old daughter (shout out to mags) anyway if you know me, you know that i have in fact gained too much weight for my frame and went on South Beach before i became as wide as my height.
i have lost 14ish lbs. i am a size smaller in the gut and some has come off my face but luckily for now, it is still residing in the chestal area. sooooo, long story even longer, i went to the bell man and asked him where Toys R' Us times square was and he gave me the directions.....but not first without telling me "YOU ARE THE MOST GEORGOUS CREATURE I HAVE SEEN TODAY. " well then.
what were the commandments again? something about vanity? oh, my bad.
so there i was thinking i was obviously hot in my low cut shirt, cleave, velvet jacket, high heeled boots and cute jeans......just walkin. Mary Tyler Moore style, like i am "on top of the world" and enjoying all NYC has to offer my walk down 8th i believe it was. I pass the huge times square signs and become entranced. Just then a cute guy comes out of the crowd in front of me and touches my arm, "hey" in that come hither way. I take the bait. cuz, i am hot, and should be admired (to my head, i now realize, this moment of minute hotness) "do you like comedy? " says he
Me? who does this idjit think i am? don't i have SNL cast member written all over my face? Of course i do......say's i.
he then proceeds to offer me tickects at a "freakin great price" for his friends show at the laugh factory.
i say no. i am not here to be conned. i am here to get to toys r us and see some friends. in that order. walk down street, cross left, stand in front of toys r us and wait. no variance. nope
(loaf of bread, gallon of milk, stick of butter) if you get that old school sesame street reference you win.
anyway, as i am trying to escape i turn backing away and get my shiney new boot heel caught in a subway grate, my heavy conference bag hoisted over my shoulder catches on my jacket and my low cut shirt, stretching it over my lacy blue bra and half the boobage bursts out, i fall backwards trying to be graceful narrowly missing a falafel cart and all its very hot contents..........i land squarly on my arse. three seemingly puerto rican fellas try to catch me to no avail and the ticket scalping dude reaches his hand out in vain to seem helpfull.......puerto rican fellas think comedian has pushed me and get in his face.....almost fight ensues and i am embarrased as hell. not that i have a gigantic bruise on my ass but that my bra wasn't even a sexy/cute one. Damn my timing! Upon getting dressed i didn't know i was gonna janet jackson it for the world to see. F^$%!
please, I ask all my friends to send me the link as soon as your buddy from the next cubical texts you with a message that says,
"dude, check out this dorky chicks boob my friend sent from his phone in times square this weekend, he was minding his own business buying meat on a stick when she took a dive!"
seriously. I should see MY boob on utube.com before anyone else.
its only fair
the pic of me and elmo is a tripple shot of starbucks later.....he in fact seems to like the boring blue bra.
tickle me elmo precursor wardrobe malfunction Current mood: crazy Category: Parties and Nightlife
so most of you know i just got back from New York City for an anual teachers convention. Montessori 100 years in fact.
so, there i was leaving the conference saturday night to meet a buddy i hadn't seen in a year and her awesome 16 year old daughter (shout out to mags) anyway if you know me, you know that i have in fact gained too much weight for my frame and went on South Beach before i became as wide as my height.
i have lost 14ish lbs. i am a size smaller in the gut and some has come off my face but luckily for now, it is still residing in the chestal area. sooooo, long story even longer, i went to the bell man and asked him where Toys R' Us times square was and he gave me the directions.....but not first without telling me "YOU ARE THE MOST GEORGOUS CREATURE I HAVE SEEN TODAY. " well then.
what were the commandments again? something about vanity? oh, my bad.
so there i was thinking i was obviously hot in my low cut shirt, cleave, velvet jacket, high heeled boots and cute jeans......just walkin. Mary Tyler Moore style, like i am "on top of the world" and enjoying all NYC has to offer my walk down 8th i believe it was. I pass the huge times square signs and become entranced. Just then a cute guy comes out of the crowd in front of me and touches my arm, "hey" in that come hither way. I take the bait. cuz, i am hot, and should be admired (to my head, i now realize, this moment of minute hotness) "do you like comedy? " says he
Me? who does this idjit think i am? don't i have SNL cast member written all over my face? Of course i do......say's i.
he then proceeds to offer me tickects at a "freakin great price" for his friends show at the laugh factory.
i say no. i am not here to be conned. i am here to get to toys r us and see some friends. in that order. walk down street, cross left, stand in front of toys r us and wait. no variance. nope
(loaf of bread, gallon of milk, stick of butter) if you get that old school sesame street reference you win.
anyway, as i am trying to escape i turn backing away and get my shiney new boot heel caught in a subway grate, my heavy conference bag hoisted over my shoulder catches on my jacket and my low cut shirt, stretching it over my lacy blue bra and half the boobage bursts out, i fall backwards trying to be graceful narrowly missing a falafel cart and all its very hot contents..........i land squarly on my arse. three seemingly puerto rican fellas try to catch me to no avail and the ticket scalping dude reaches his hand out in vain to seem helpfull.......puerto rican fellas think comedian has pushed me and get in his face.....almost fight ensues and i am embarrased as hell. not that i have a gigantic bruise on my ass but that my bra wasn't even a sexy/cute one. Damn my timing! Upon getting dressed i didn't know i was gonna janet jackson it for the world to see. F^$%!
please, I ask all my friends to send me the link as soon as your buddy from the next cubical texts you with a message that says,
"dude, check out this dorky chicks boob my friend sent from his phone in times square this weekend, he was minding his own business buying meat on a stick when she took a dive!"
seriously. I should see MY boob on utube.com before anyone else.
its only fair
Sunday, February 11, 2007
07 GRAMMY'S
Sunday, February 11, 2007
whammy grammy! Current mood: chipper
after the joke that was the american music awards, i was prepared for anything. here is what i gathered:
1- the police.....hand-cuff me and put me in the back of stings patrol car! They reunited......i swear on the united colors of my benetton sweatshirt there is a GOD.
2-the dixie chicks rock, they have always rocked, but free speech it up baby! stick it nashville!
3- if Jesus is Carrie Underwoods co-pilot do you think he parks like the idiot soccer mom in the hummer who is jamming her two ton vehicle in a space fit for a mo-ped......
4- Justin Timberlake is hot but i think that song is about Brittney.....the undertone is that of "money doesn't buy class you trailer park prom queen" or something like it
5- as i have stated to a few of my fine friends after watching the amazing John Mayer make that guitar sing......Dear Lord, in my next life i want to be a his stratocaster.
6- dude, Shakira, you're right....hips don't lie.....you are not talented. I take that back, you're a pole and a bow-chicka-bowbow away from success
7- YEAH DIXIE CHICKS!
8- wait, I thought Jesus was Carries co-pilot....Mary J. Bblige looks like a chick who is unwilling to share...oh, no she did 'nt!
9- Smokey Robinson is the new face of Botox....poor guy, he looks like he can't even close his eyes. He's not surprized he is in the hall of fame.....he just got a shot of botcholism an hour ago.
10- hey, can i be James Blunt with you?.....i am sick of "you're beautiful" get a new damn song whiney bloke.
11- chris brown is awesome he reminds me of michael jackson when he was black
12-Heyyyy-o is that a potbelly on anthonyyyyyy-o dude. looks like mr. kiedis has been takin' in a couple of quarter pounders 'under the bridge'. Sucks gettin old.
13-that was one of the better award shows
ps-justin timberlake is hot
whammy grammy! Current mood: chipper
after the joke that was the american music awards, i was prepared for anything. here is what i gathered:
1- the police.....hand-cuff me and put me in the back of stings patrol car! They reunited......i swear on the united colors of my benetton sweatshirt there is a GOD.
2-the dixie chicks rock, they have always rocked, but free speech it up baby! stick it nashville!
3- if Jesus is Carrie Underwoods co-pilot do you think he parks like the idiot soccer mom in the hummer who is jamming her two ton vehicle in a space fit for a mo-ped......
4- Justin Timberlake is hot but i think that song is about Brittney.....the undertone is that of "money doesn't buy class you trailer park prom queen" or something like it
5- as i have stated to a few of my fine friends after watching the amazing John Mayer make that guitar sing......Dear Lord, in my next life i want to be a his stratocaster.
6- dude, Shakira, you're right....hips don't lie.....you are not talented. I take that back, you're a pole and a bow-chicka-bowbow away from success
7- YEAH DIXIE CHICKS!
8- wait, I thought Jesus was Carries co-pilot....Mary J. Bblige looks like a chick who is unwilling to share...oh, no she did 'nt!
9- Smokey Robinson is the new face of Botox....poor guy, he looks like he can't even close his eyes. He's not surprized he is in the hall of fame.....he just got a shot of botcholism an hour ago.
10- hey, can i be James Blunt with you?.....i am sick of "you're beautiful" get a new damn song whiney bloke.
11- chris brown is awesome he reminds me of michael jackson when he was black
12-Heyyyy-o is that a potbelly on anthonyyyyyy-o dude. looks like mr. kiedis has been takin' in a couple of quarter pounders 'under the bridge'. Sucks gettin old.
13-that was one of the better award shows
ps-justin timberlake is hot
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