heather's law of numbers

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
the law of numbers Current mood: amused Category: Sports
So just today I was having an adult conversation with a close friend. I must say, I do love having open and honest people around me to fuel my various rants and un-rhetorical questions. Throughout the years I have had this particular discussion in many living rooms, coffee shops and dorm rooms across the country and the same things happen over and over. So not unlike a scientist or a Gallup poll --I will attempt to organize my opinion/theory on the law of numbers.

By numbers I mean the amount sexual of partners a particular person has had. In this particular case, let's just say your female circle of friends has had and have discussed with you. I am a person who doesn't blush easily, even when I was living a holier-than-thou lifestyle, I was always open to discuss sex and all its various topics and subtopics. To file these friends properly, you will need only 4 categories.

Group A: These are the Sandra Dee's of your group. They are sweet but don't really have a ton to offer the steamy talk. They fell in love, got engaged, got married and had sex. In that exact order NO DEVIATION. They are the friends that once this topic comes to a head (pardon the pun) they leave the room to replenish the Margarita Mix or neatly cut the crusts off the cucumber sandwiches. They can't however deny the pull of the sex talk so they rush back in pretending to pick up crushed napkins and empty glasses, "oh did you need more lil smokies?" …………..No, it's not you, keep reading.
ps-this girl is a freaky freak in the bedroom, don't let the headband and keds fool you

Group B: These are the sexy ones of the group. Whether they know it or not, they have something that says "naughty" it could be her low cut shirt or that she is an uncontrollable flirt. She's womanly but not sluttish per se. She can sneak an innuendo in at the most interesting of times. She usually enjoys sex and isn't afraid to discuss it with her friends. This group is the only one I have subcategorized…….lets just say, for sake of memorization: B1 and B2. B1 only has to use one hand to do her count (usually b/c of a late start) and B2 can use all her phalanges and possibly a toe or three. She can list date, place and name (last name if he was hot as balls or met her mom) Of course there is usually a name or two she wishes she could erase….but otherwise she is comfortable with her conquests. She is either happy with her adventures or wishes she had one more inning in her game.

Group C: Well, well, well……this lil lady has been busy getting busy. She has no idea of her number let alone mere names. When adding her final numbers, she has to carry the one (a few times.) We are talking serious 4th grade math notebook here! I had a sister in law in this category once. ……interesting specimen. Take caution here ladies, if you don't know anyone in your group like this……chances are, YOU ARE HER. J It reminds me of a saying my mother is famous for using, "If she had as many pricks on the outside that she has had on the inside….she'd be a porcupine"…..quality momism.

Group D.: This is the liar in your group. "Sure," she says, "I have only had intercourse with two people. My high school sweetheart at prom and my now husband during college." Seems true. Nothing extravagant but easy enough to keep straight…….until………….she guzzles down ½ a bottle of Malibu and karaoke's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for the 3rd time during a girls night out. She's the one that attempts to CIA her friends by suggesting the novelty, self depricating drinking game of "I NEVER" to bleed her buddies of their dirty little secrets. ………….oh, I NEVER…..remind me to tell you about the shitiest game of it I ever played in college. (Mel-remember that night at the Sigma Chi house with our dear friend who shall remain nameless Row Row Rowa Bear) ANYHOOOOOOO………………..she may think she has the upper hand. However it's you that can take control and get the needed info from the queen of slur. It comes out that, oops…..she happened to have an oral encounter with the entire soccer team the summer in between middle school and high school (but that doesn't count) or that 4 month time period in college when she went to raves every other night with her lesbian roommate (and by raves I mean no air conditioned girl sex on the top bunk, black light strobing, with Moby playing programmed to repeat on the cd player), (stil doesn't count that) or when her history professor encouraged entrance to the exit door (not even counting that) or when she and her boss at Bennigans used to play "How far can we get during our smoke break in the back of my IROC" (NOPE, you guessed it....she doesn't count that either)………seriously MORE THAN JUST 2 PEOPLE DUDE……….or is she being truthful on a technicality?